


i'll follow you into the dark

by thereisonlyourwill (lockandkeys)



Category: Pandora Hearts
Genre: Grief/Mourning, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Self-Harm, oh god gil is such a disaster and i love him, this is pure idfic but i hope you guys like it too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 10:15:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29169435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lockandkeys/pseuds/thereisonlyourwill
Summary: An assortment of times that Gil has feelings about Oz.
Relationships: Gilbert Nightray/Oz Vessalius
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	i'll follow you into the dark

Gil and Oz’s first meeting leaves some things to be desired. Gil is 9 and shy, and Oz is 10 and overconfident and Gil feels painfully small and Oz doesn’t seem to pick up on it. Gil keeps his eyes towards the ground and walks slowly and calls Oz master, because he couldn’t risk making a bad impression on this family, and Oz turns on his heel and stares Gil in the eyes and says _don’t call me master, call me Oz._ Gil tries but he _can’t,_ he can manage “young master” but he cannot manage the clear acknowledgement of equality between them that a name would be, and he prepares himself to be sent away, after disappointing his master upon their first meeting. Oz tells him _it’s fine, so long as he calls him Oz once they’re grown up_ , and Gil marvels and nods. Gil practices, when he’s alone, mouthing _Oz Oz Oz_ over and over, because he’s been given a chance and he cannot afford to disappoint.

It’s years later when Gil realizes he’s in love with Oz, has always been, has always looked at the boy with the blonde hair and the bright smile and thought he was something worth protecting, something worth devoting a life to. The first time Oz talks about liking a girl, Gil runs. He runs and hides and cries and doesn’t understand the pure shame flooding over him. One day he will no longer be needed. One day Oz will have changed and found someone else to love and Gil will be left alone and he can’t _breathe_ at the thought, he can’t stop the panic from ripping its way up his chest and into his throat at the thought that one day he will be _unloved_ and that day might be sooner rather than later.

That night is the first night he finds a knife and draws it across the soft skin on his thighs. He carves Oz’s name into his legs. If he cannot be owned forever at least he can do this.

The scratches fade and Gil switches to pinching himself until he bruises. If Oz will not want him forever then he does not want himself, does not want Oz’s name scarred into his thighs, does not want anything tying him to the master he is unworthy to have. 

Oz teases Gil, constantly, so much that it becomes a game. He pokes and prods at Gil and plays pranks on him and makes fun of him for never fighting back. Gil is too embarrassed to admit that he has never fought back because he is scared that he will somehow do something unforgivable, and it is easier to be blamed for Oz’s mischief than it is to risk losing him. As he gets older, Gil learns how to make fun of him back, just a little. Enough that it seems like he’s grown a spine, enough that Oz doesn’t feel bad for making fun of him, because he _shouldn’t_ \- Gil will take what Oz is willing to give and sometimes that comes in the form of a jab in the ribs.

They end up doing things with each other. Things neither of them could speak about outside of closed doors. Oz’s hand down Gil’s pants and Gil’s lips on his and it’s just _practice,_ it doesn’t _mean anything_ , no one could ever like Gil enough to do those things with him for their own sake. They don’t ever put a name to it, or talk about it, and Oz leaves to go back to his own bedroom and Gil pinches himself and shakes and hates himself for how much he enjoyed it, _enjoys_ it, how much time he spends thinking about the few nights they’ve spent together. He eventually stops opening his bedroom door when Oz knocks late at night. He dreams about it, for years, even after Oz is gone-- he wakes up with tears on his cheeks and his dick hard in his pants and feels subhuman and filthy and miserable.

Oz requests Gil’s presence at the ceremony and Gil panics. He is a servant and servants don’t _do_ those things, that role should be reserved for someone important, not someone like _him_ who is so obviously out of place that it’s a wonder he isn’t homeless yet. Oz laughs and calls Gil his best friend, acts like it is obvious that he should be the one there with him. Gil feels something raw and fluttering and breathless take hold in his chest.

Oz… disappears. He disappears and Gil lies gasping on the floor and looks at the place where Oz was and all he can think is how he _knew this would happen._ It was too good to be true and it was going to all come crashing down some day and he should be _grateful_ that he got 5 good years, it was more than he deserved and he will _not_ grieve. The cut on his chest from where he jumped in front of Oz’s sword, because _Oz is his best friend and would never hurt anyone_ , bleeds and Gil hopes that it scars, hopes that there will be some trace of the last touch Oz ever gave him.

He grieves, of course. He feels unmoored and restless and most of all _lonely_ . He was always lonely, really, but he always had Oz. He had Oz and that meant that things were going to be okay. He was allowed to be pathetic and friendless because Oz would take care of him and he would protect Oz and things would be fine. He eventually gets taken in by the Nightray house, has siblings, becomes _nobility_ , but none of it means anything. None of it could hold a candle to Oz.

(He starts scratching his name into his skin again, and writing it everywhere people won’t see. _Oz Vessalius_ , written on the insides of his wrists, which no one gets to see anymore, because Oz isn’t here. He lets himself be selfish and owned, because Oz died wanting him and Gil can pretend that he still does, somewhere.) 

Years pass and he doesn’t cry anymore, he ran out of tears to cry long ago, but he sneaks back to the Vessalius house sometimes, late at night. He leaps over walls and bushes and he desperately wishes Oz could see him now, getting into the mischief Oz could never persuade him to do. He looks, everywhere he dares to go, as if Oz might be hiding somewhere. As if Oz might still _be_ anywhere. The wind blows and he takes the deepest breaths he possibly can, as if there might be something there that he can take into himself, something that might put him a molecule closer to the master he thought he would serve his entire life. There is nothing but cold night air and stars and the taste of blood in his mouth.

**Author's Note:**

> my first full, finished, posted fic! i hope i have done gil and oz justice.


End file.
